March 18, 2007

Awake

For two days now, I've felt so great, so alive and aware and awake. I don't know if it's the happy pills or the friends or the amazing husband or what, but I'm so grateful to just be PRESENT in my own life again.

I had this day last week where I just checked out; I was lost and alone and I didn't care about the kids or my husband or my friends or my responsibilities or anything. I went to bed, and I had every intention of staying there forever. I didn't cry, not really, and I didn't talk and I was just GONE. It is a terrifying memory.

I woke up the next day and it's suddenly as if a light came on. I looked around and saw the dishes and the house and my horrible hair and rumpled clothes and messy kids. And I was MOTIVATED. I was inspired and hopeful and I took a shower and cleaned the house and played with my daughters.

That's the thing I've been having the hardest time talking about and expressing, the feelings towards the kids, my baby in particular. Since Silvia was born I have felt obligation towards here, resignation that I am her mother and I have to care for her, even amusement and appreciation of the cute things she does. But love? No, not really. And that makes me want to start crying all over again.

Because today I looked at her and I was amazed at her beauty and proud of her strength and just overcome with love and compassion and attachment that I have not felt before. Being able to love my own child should be something to take for granted, and yet for me it's a new and totally precious ability. I never, ever want to feel that way again, detached from something so personal and amazing and necessary. They deserve more than that and I like to think that I do, too.

I hope it's only forward steps from here, because I just am so scared to go back to the dark.

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