The ups and downs I've been experiencing this past week or so are almost worse than just living in the dark. I have had some really, really good days- days where I feel alive and motivated and just CAPABLE. Maybe that seems small to the average person, but compared to the utter hopelessness and sense of failure I've been carrying around since Silvia was born, just feeling like I have the potential to accomplish something, anything, is a huge experience for me.
But then, the very next day, or that evening, everything starts to fall apart. I start to crack on the surface, little things like a whiny toddler start to break me. I get this intense anxiety, my jaw starts to clench, my shoulders bunch. Before I know what has happened or why, I'm back in the place I've been desperate to escape. I hate myself, I hate my kids, I want to hide, I have to cry, I abuse my husband, end up in bed, weeping or staring at the ceiling, bereft and confused and miserable.
Imagine being at the beach on a sunny day: the water is warm and the sound of the waves is incredibly soothing. You're laying on the sand and it feels like a warm caress over your whole body and the rays of the sun envelope you in light and softness and a soft breeze ruffles your hair against your scalp. You can see for miles into the ocean and there's not a cloud in the sky, just blue on blue into eternity. You close your eyes to just enjoy all the amazing sensations, the aura of peace...
And when you open them, you're in a cave. A dark cave, with damp and cold water trickling down the sides and pooling on the rock beneath you. There's hardly any light and ground is gritty and sharp. You look all around and start to panic because you can't see the opening, you can't find a way out. Everywhere you turn there's just rock and dirt and shadows, cold air and musty earth. You've got no choice but to give up, try to find some place that feels safe and curl up. In your corner, you close your eyes against the darkness and hope that when you open them again, you'll be back on your beach.
That's what it's been like. I feel like I'm losing my mind.