March 08, 2007

What it is

I keep trying to pinpoint why I feel the way I do, keep trying to find the "ah-HA!" moment, where I can see clearly what to do, fix, change.

But it's just not that simple, I guess. Yesterday, I had a great day with my friends, everyone was being really nice and helpful and supportive. Both girls were behaving really well and being happy and sweet. In the evening, my mom came over and watched the girls so Kurt and I could go out and have some time to ourselves. We went to Red Lobster, had a nice dinner, ran into some friends and their kids, and generally had a pleasant time. I felt okay. I didn't feel like I was going to cry, I didn't feel panicky or tense. It was nice.

Then I started thinking, "I feel fine! See, it's all just me being dramatic, I'm so whiny, I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, I can't believe everyone's indulging me when I'm so obviously just trying to get attention!". And then I started to feel bad, really bad; that I was taking advantage of my friends, that I had abandoned my kids with my mom when Silvia's only a month old, that I didn't finish my dinner, that I hadn't changed my clothes or even looked in a mirror before we went out and I looked like a scruffy, stained mess of a woman.

By the time we got home, I was on the verge of tears again, my stomach was in knots, and I felt completely worthless. There is no real thing that upset me, no real reason, no trigger that started me beating myself to a pulp internally. I just did, and I couldn't stop, and that's what it is. My mind working against itself.

1 comment:

Candy said...


I felt so sorry that we happened upon you at Red Lobster. I thought you were probably wanting to be invisible. When I'm feeling blue, I really just want to be invisible. And, here Misha was, waving from across the room and yelling, "Hi!, Hi! Hi! Yeah, it's Anna's Mama!" as she recognized you from afar. And, everyone in the room took notice. You were so graceful about it all.

You shouldn't feel bad about leaving the girls. It's what you needed and the most important thing is to take care of yourself first and then you will have the energy to take care of the girls. Hang in there. Hugs, Candy