June 03, 2008

The Hourglass

It's so unpredictable living in my own head. I feel like an hourglass, spilling sand, and I never know if I am filling up or emptying out until something flips me over.

Today I got flipped, who know why or by what. The goodwill, positive thoughts and hopefulness of the past few days where just one side filling up and now.... FLIP. I'm empty. I almost cracked, I really did.

After I dropped the girls at school I had a vast and nearly uncontrollable urge to go home and be alone, possibly in the closet in the dark ("with Clark", hahaa... thanks, Dr. Seuss). So I took my magic happy pill, my emergency happy pill, drove to the coffee shop and sat it out in public.

That's my worst fear, really, that I'll have a screaming meltdown in front of the whole world and everyone will stare and no one will understand (I don't even understand, right?) and someone will call the police or something. The fire department? Get that girl out of that crazy tree?

So I sat. I typed. I talked online to a friend and tried like hell to laugh it off, find the funny, GET OVER IT. When the crying shakiness wouldn't stay at bay I called a friend with experience in these things, cried a little in a public forum, and now I am feeling better. It's sort of like when you have to throw up and you HATE throwing up so you try and try not to... but then eventually you do and you always feel better afterwards even though it was gross and awful.

So now I'm a bit better. Not positive and excited and hopeful, no. More exhausted and diminished and frustrated and even a little bitter. But not on the edge. And my friend is coming to have a coffee with me and we will talk and understand each other and hopefully that will push some sand more quickly though the glass, filling me up again.

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