May 23, 2009

my horse ran away

The funny thing about routines is how easy they are to take for granted. For instance, I was so firmly ensconced in my exercise schedule that it never occurred to me that taking a day off here and there would do any harm.

Turns out that foundation was not so firm as I thought and now, neither is my belly. In the past month or so, due to the kids' illnesses, my excuses and ultimately laziness, I've missed more workouts than I've made. It's not a huge deal, and while I am now aching with the punishment of having to recover my strength, I know that I can and that I will. If nothing else, my humiliating lack of buff-ness at the gym with Kurt this morning has provided barrels of motivation.

It's not just little things like that, though. My writing has felt more and more like a chore and I've found myself grasping at every little excuse not to get it done. At this very moment a thunderstorm is rolling through and there's a little voice nagging me to turn off the computer in case of lightening- even though I'm using battery power.

It's cliche and whiny, I know, but starting something new is hard. It's hard and sometimes, lately, I just don't want to do it. There's an inherent comfort of sinking into basic household maintenance, setting my more challenging aspirations aside. When I clean the house, finish the laundry, do the shopping and plan out dinner, there is no real question as to my ability to succeed. The more I dip into this potential career of words, I encounter levels of complexity and resistance that I never even considered before. My own hesitancy is daunting all by itself. Add in all the other hurdles I need to jump... and I find dusting myself off and starting all over again to be more and more difficult.

But, here I sit, waiting to be struck by lightening so I won't have to move on to my waiting homework. But at least I'm here, right? I haven't really given up... I'm just hoping the horse that threw me will make it's way back on it's own. I can kind of see it in the distance, but the damn thing seems to be loitering in the vicinity of an apple tree. I suppose I'll have to chase it down soon, but for the moment, I think I'm going to let the dust settle and just sit here for a bit, right where I fell.

How's that for inspirational?

1 comment:

Jan said...

We miss you. (You're good at words!)