January 27, 2010

And then there was a flutter

I felt the baby move last night. I was collapsed on the couch next to my (equally exhausted) husband, watching the girls tackle each other on the floor of the living room. Kurt had his legs across my lap and we were just... being. He's been working so much lately that it was a perfectly perfect moment of perfection to just exist within the same minimal square footage together.

And then, just above and to the side of my left hip, a tickle. I moved my hand over the spot unconsciously, a gesture that was more muscle memory from my previous pregnancies than an actual reaction to the sensation.

And then, again, a flutter, against the inside of my skin.

"Hey," I whispered to Kurt, "Hey! It moved! I felt it move."

"Are you sure that's not just dinner moving?"

"NO!". I glared. "This is different. I know this. I remember this."

Suddenly, without even realizing it, my face morphed into a huge smile, practically melting away every line of exhaustion and stress that's etched it's way in over the past few months. A flood of memories blurred my vision; laying still in the night while the world slept and a baby moved and twirled inside my belly, just the two of us, my hands curving against the bumps and punches, feeling amazed and amused all at once.

It moved. There's a baby and it moves and grows and will be a person and have soft skin and warm breath and fingers that wrap tight around my own. Oh, my God.

It moved.

January 21, 2010

Groundhog Day

Is this really all there is for me? Laundry and dinner and groceries and kid crafts and bathrooms and laundry and screaming children and chores and short tempers and errands and laundry?

The monotony that seems to be stretching out into my future is weighing me down. I didn't realize how MUCH I was looking forward to venturing back to the work world until now, when that vista has totally slipped from my view.

Each day is blending into the next in a blur of kid-level activities and household maintenance. Probably this explains why I've got nothing to write about and no inspiration for future topics. Want to hear more about my laundry and how it never ends? Or I could spend some time detailing how much I hate to cook and struggle to have to prepare reasonable meals all week long. Maybe I could wax poetic on how tired I am and what a difficult time I'm having with the kids right now, would that fascinate you?

I know, I know, I'm just being whiny, I hear you all saying it (or at least I hear the voices in my head saying it). I need to be more proactive, discover new activities, create adventure, shake things up, create a more stimulating routine, etc, etc. The urge to go find a job, an anything kind of job, is sometimes overwhelming (mostly as the clock hits 4 P.M.). But then I get wacked with a big lead pipe of "how will you pay for daycare for the kids? How are you going to work once the baby comes? Who's going to take care of the home-side of your lives? Like anyone would hire a pregnant chick anyway. And admit it, even as drab as it all feels, you'd hate to put your 6-week-old in daycare."

So for now, this is, I guess, all there is. I'm sure with summer sunshine I'll find more things to do all day, but the constant blurry repetition of each day, each child's request, each task, chore and more...

Other women are single moms, working moms with kids at home, moms with deployed husbands and moms with no income. The world is a much harder place for some, a thought that lectures me all day long. I know that, believe me. Even sitting here in my gray area, I know my monotony is much easier than many, many people's lives.

But nevertheless, it weighs on me.

January 08, 2010

My life in quotes

I love quotations. I don’t mean inspirational, moving or thoughtfully philosophical quotations, either. I can come up with my own deep thoughts but, quite honestly, they don’t make a lot of real sense if I can’t look at it sideways and laugh.

More about my fixation at Hybrid Mom Insider.

January 04, 2010

New Year

It's funny, but you'd think what with all the excitement going on, I'd have a lot more to say. Somehow, though, it seems the exact opposite is in effect. I'm much more interested in what everyone ELSE has going on. For instance:

My friend just had her baby a couple weeks ago, gorgeous little girl. Then right on top of that, her husband was deployed, leaving her with her older two kids and newborn. It feels so sad and mixed up and unfair and yet she's doing ok. (I think she's doing ok... once again, not on top of my communication skills. Are you doing ok?)

Another friend will be moving away later on this year, an exciting change for them and a bummer all around, too. The prospect of a move is ALWAYS fascinating, full of potential for all the new things, places and people coming on. But having to leave sucks. Is it worse to leave or to be left? I've never been able to decide.

Yet another friend will be giving birth any day now to HER suprise third child. Her experience along this shocker has been a road map for me. Just a shout-out to say, "Thanks!" for listening to all my cuss words. I'm not terribly inventive in my curses, but I can use the same word over and over and over again to great effect.

Two more women in my life are expecting their second babies come March with bellies blossomed full enough that the weight of it begins to pull them down.

Babies, everywhere. It's not just me.

But this weekend I stretched out on the couch and looked down at my swollen too-much-lunch looking stomach with disgust. "Look at that! Just LOOK at that! Ugh," I groaned at Kurt.

"So? You're pregnant. That's what happens," he shot back in a matter of fact voice.

I literally flinched when the P-word left his lips. Don't know why, it's not like it's a surprise to me. I think it's the way he said it, the calm acceptance and tone of "what did you expect?".

He's there now, right smack in the middle of his happy medium and I... am not. All done with the first trimester, the first hurdle, and I'm still pissed off. I'm tired and short-tempered with the girls and tired and short-tempered with Kurt and most of all tired and short-tempered with myself.

There's lots of other interesting things going on around me and one extra addition to an already happy family doesn't seem like that big a deal in the grand scheme of things. My attitude right now certainly doesn't do me any credit and is totally unfair to this little kid-to-be.

New Year, new you, right? I'm waiting for that reboot and refresh magic to hit me with all it's glory and potential. It's sort of like anticipating a big move, I guess, only it's the world that's shifting, not me. Maybe that's what I need to work on, discovering some anticipation and interest in my own outcomes.

So. Hip hip hooray! Yay! Woohoo!

Fake it til you make it.