April 30, 2010

Lurking around every corner

Last night I found myself stuck in a horrible nightmare loop for hours. I couldn't shake it, wake up from it or in anyway escape. I used to have these kinds of looped visions, waking and sleeping, when Silvia was first born. I was SO WORRIED about Anna, that somehow my split attention would leave her unprotected.

This time, Anna was across a busy street from me, waving as I waited on the other side, holding the baby. Then she hopped up, a big smile on her face and dashed out into the road to get to me. I tried to scream at her to stop, but the words stuck in my throat.

She ran in front of a huge truck, went flying through the air and landed at my feet, eyes wide open and completely blank.

All night long, I watched my daughter die at my feet, over and over again. I finally woke with my arms over my head, curled into a ball, scream still stuck in my throat, sheets twisted around me. I reached over and crushed Kurt's hand, but he didn't wake up. I threw myself out of bed and stumbled into her room.

Anna is a deep sleeper most nights but she threw her arm across me when I lay down next to her, then snuggled her head into my shoulder. I curled around her, stroked her hair and cried. My hips hurt from being on my side, my belly kept cramping up in tight contractions and I just didn't care. I finally fell asleep with my hands cupped against her back. It's hard to imagine your child gone while her body is breathing deeply against your own.

Tonight, I may just take a sleeping pill.