April 30, 2010

Lurking around every corner

Last night I found myself stuck in a horrible nightmare loop for hours. I couldn't shake it, wake up from it or in anyway escape. I used to have these kinds of looped visions, waking and sleeping, when Silvia was first born. I was SO WORRIED about Anna, that somehow my split attention would leave her unprotected.

This time, Anna was across a busy street from me, waving as I waited on the other side, holding the baby. Then she hopped up, a big smile on her face and dashed out into the road to get to me. I tried to scream at her to stop, but the words stuck in my throat.

She ran in front of a huge truck, went flying through the air and landed at my feet, eyes wide open and completely blank.

All night long, I watched my daughter die at my feet, over and over again. I finally woke with my arms over my head, curled into a ball, scream still stuck in my throat, sheets twisted around me. I reached over and crushed Kurt's hand, but he didn't wake up. I threw myself out of bed and stumbled into her room.

Anna is a deep sleeper most nights but she threw her arm across me when I lay down next to her, then snuggled her head into my shoulder. I curled around her, stroked her hair and cried. My hips hurt from being on my side, my belly kept cramping up in tight contractions and I just didn't care. I finally fell asleep with my hands cupped against her back. It's hard to imagine your child gone while her body is breathing deeply against your own.

Tonight, I may just take a sleeping pill.


Alison said...

That sounds like a horrible dream. It's nice you could go and cuddle Anna. Lily would wake up in a second.

Lea said...

I love cuddling with Asher. Having the reassurance that he's right there, safe and sound, is absolutely wonderful. What an awful night for you!

mosaica said...

I've had similar nightmares with both babes and then since both of their births. It's hard to get close enough to them afterwards isn't it?