July 23, 2010

Three is a magic number

In the words of the immortal Monty Python and the Holy Grail...

"Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out."

Jack Stephen was born July 18th at 6:52 P.M. He weighed 7 pounds, 4 ounces and is absolutely gorgeous (if I do say so myself). I had the birth experience I wanted, but not at all the experience I thought I knew it would be. More on unmedicated childbirth later (once my postpartum amnesia takes a little stronger hold so I don't cringe whilst typing). But suffice to say that, as incredibly painful as it was, it was awesome, amazing and ultimately hugely satisfying.

And I'm very, very glad I won't be doing it again.

I love my boy, he's perfection. And now... back to napping, nursing and freaking out. Wish me luck!

July 09, 2010

If you really want to help, stay out of my sex life

Aside from the constant comments from random strangers about my appearance at this stage in the game (”Wow! You look awful!”, “Gee, you must not be sleeping what with those big dark circles!” or very, VERY rarely, “You’re just glowing, how beautiful”), my absolute favorite bit of advice I get bombarded with is to go have some rowdy sex with my husband and get this labor started.

Now, I know there are women out there who feel like fabulous, sensual creatures while nine months pregnant. There must be, or why would everyone talk about sex in the last month as if it was even remotely possible? Someone, somewhere, must have tried it.

Just, you know, not anyone I’ve ever met. Or ever expect to meet. EVER.

Read more over at Hybridmom.com.

July 08, 2010

People are stupid and I have lost my filter

I rolled out of bed this morning, still pregnant. 39 weeks loooong. That's 273 days. (Actually it's possibly 38 weeks, 5 days, or 271 days, if you are my crazy ass midwife who changed my due date by two days randomly when I was about 6 months pregnant. Not that I'm bitter, not that the date isn't TOTALLY made up anyway, but still. At this point, two days is a big fuckin' difference when it comes to my mental state. We'll see who's more accurate in the end. I'm just saying.)

The girls jumped into the fray around 6:30 A.M., squealing in excitement for their preschool field trips today. Kurt, God bless him, rolled over away from us to give them more room to tackle me. Sweetie pie.

Did I mention the "still pregnant" part? Just checking. It's sort of the first thought of every day. Actually it's more of a despairing, "Still fucking pregnant, nononoNO". (Sorry for the f-bomb left and right. It's where I'm at.)

ANYWAY. Up we get, I comb my hair, put in my contacts, pull on the last few comfortable clothes left to me and otherwise completely ignore my appearance. Oops. Why oops? Because I will have to pay. Because there's always SOMEONE with SOMETHING stupid to say.

This time, too, this lady had no excuse. Another mom at the girls' preschool, who herself had a baby three months ago, waylaid me as I tried to drop-off Silvia and run for it. My kiddos always do best with a quick hug, kiss and departure. But this lady...

"Oh my gosh, you're still here?! WOW! You look SO uncomfortable. I bet you're not sleeping, right? You've got the biggest dark circles under your eyes, you poor thing! What are you at now, 39 weeks or so? Ugh. I was so lucky, I went at just before 38 weeks, the nicest short labor, but I bet this is just miserable for YOU. You just look terrible, poor woman! But it's so great that you're carrying all in front, I just HATE women like you, staying thin the whole time with just that basketball belly. God, I just HATE you, hahaha!".

Oh good! We're even, then! I really fucking hate you, too! Let's have a coffee and I will make you a list! You look like a clown, what is with that blue eye shadow? That outfit? Something my 5-year-old would pick out. Oh, and your nice short, 38 week labor? FUCK YOU.

Yes. The F word filling every nook of my brain in a Christian preschool. Because that's where I'm at, people. So thanks, crazy bitch lady from school. I'm glad to see your sensitivity to the whole pregnant experience dropped off a lot quicker than that baby weight. And yes, I just made a rude comment about someone's weight, I know. Low blow.

But she said I had circles, big dark circles. So I'm okay with calling her fat. So there.

I'm so glad I brushed my hair!

July 02, 2010

Wrapping up the nursery, so why don't I feel ready?

July is here, my friends. My baby surprise is due the 17th, which of course means I’m focused on the possibility it could be any day now. Maybe tomorrow! Maybe today! Probably… around the 17th. Sigh.

To distract me from the wait, I’ve spent the past few weeks (or possibly months. Ahem.) nurturing a growing obsession with the nursery. I finally got my husband to buckle down and paint and when that was done I went on a mission to get every major store in the city to hate me.

More about my adventures in transference at Hybridmom.com.